Payback
by Elena Gilbert
Summary: Humorous fic about Julian and Damon drunkenly trying to get back the girls they love...


Drinking and Dreaming

Payback

Julian was really pissed, and on top of that, he was really drunk. Not exactly a good combination in a Shadow Man. He stared into his half empty mug of beer.

" Where do you think I went wrong, Salvatore?" he asked his equally inebriated companion. "I mean, I offered her everything, but she still wouldn't even consider being with me."

Damon looked up from the billiard table he was shooting at, his cue still poised to strike. "I know what you mean, man. All I wanted was for Elena to be my queen, but she wouldn't even give me a chance. Kept saying that she loved my loser brother and that they were meant for each other. Hell, the only thing Stefan was meant for was a wooden box buried six feet under the ground. He's always complaining about what an abomination he is and how he shouldn't be living, and yet he won't spare us his crap and actually do himself in. How the hell could anyone live with that?" He hit the ball, sinking three balls with his first shot.

Julian nodded his head. "I don't know. That's gotta suck though…your own brother! Tom's even worse, though. While Stefan is just pathetic, Tom's a controlling asshole who thinks he's God's gift to women."

Damon chuckled.

"What!?"

Damon stifled a chuckle, "Just the thought of you calling Tom "controlling". Didn't you trap this girl and all her friends in a game in which you dictated all the rules and changed at your convenience?"

Julian chuckled. "Yeah, I guess that is a little controlling. But he is an asshole. And she deserves better."

"So does Elena. Man, the thought of her being wasted on Stefan tears at my insides."

Julian's eyes lit up. "You know, Damon, it may be the drink talking, but I'm getting the beginnings of an idea. A way we could get the girls we love out of the clutches of the losers they're with now."

"Let me get this straight, Jules; you got your ass kicked three times in your own game, and yet you want to try again with a scheme you've concocted while sitting, wasted, at a bar?"

Julian grinned. "That's about it."

"Hell, I don't have anything better to do anyway. What's your idea?"

Julian and Damon squeezed into the pay phone booth outside Bob's Bar. 

"Jules, this is by far the dumbest idea you've ever had. I must be completely wasted to go along with it."

"What's Stefan's number?"

"555-9876…I think. What…"

"Shhh…I'm dialing." Julian held the receiver close to his ear and listened.

"Hello?"

"Hello, sir. I need to speak to Stefan Salvatore, please."

"This is he."

Julian covered the phone with his hand. "It's him," he whispered, softly giggling.

"Well, hurry up and say something before he hangs up!"

"Oh, right." He took his hand off the transmitter. "Hi, this is Bob with the electric company, and we were just doing a routine check. Tell us, Stefan, is your refrigerator running?" 

"Hold on a moment, let me go and check." The sound of the phone being set on the counter caused Julian to erupt into uncontrollable giggling. 

"He's going…*giggle*…to check…*giggle*…it out." Damon burst into laughter.

"Quiet, he's coming back!"

"Ummm, yes, my refrigerator is running."

"Then you'd better go and catch it!" Julian quickly hung up the phone as he and Damon burst into giggles. 

"I can't believe he fell for that!" Julian said in between giggles.

"Yeah, I know. That was fun. My turn!"

Damon picked up the phone. 

"Now what's Tom's number?"

"555-1234."

"'Kay…" Damon dialed.

"Hello, Tom Locke here."

"Uh, hello, is Bob there?"

"Who?"

"You know, Bob."

"No, I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number."

"No way. Well, can you give Bob a message?"

"He doesn't live here."

"Well, if you talk to him, tell him Damon called, will ya?"

"Okay…"

Click.

"Okay, okay…Jules, you call, but try to disguise your voice."

"Okay, okay, give me the phone!" He dialed.

"Hello?" 

"Hello," Julian said in a deep voice. "Is Bob there?"

"No. He doesn't live here."

"Oh, um, well could you take a message?"

"NO!!! Who the hell is this Bob person anyway?"

"Umm, well just tell him Gabe called."

Julian hung up.

"Man, he's getting pissed. This is fun."

"Yeah, and now for the clincher."

Damon picked up the phone and once again dialed 

"Hello?" Tom's frustrated voice answered.

"This is Bob, do I have any messages?"

"YOU CAN GO…"

Damon hung up, and another giggling fit ensued.

"Okay…" Julian started, "time for phase 2."

Damon parked his car in front of the Locke's residence as Julian gathered up the rolls of toilet paper in the back of the Ferrari. 

"Okay, you ready?" Julian asked, getting out of the car.

"Yeah! You know, this is the first time I've ever papered a house."

"You haven't lived! Or unlived…or whatever. Anyway, it's a lot of fun…great stress relief."

They began throwing the soft, white, rolls of tissue over the branches of the trees in the Locke's front yard.

"We've gotta hurry. You never know when they could look out and see us."

"Yeah, it's cool though…we only have this tree…there" Julian surveyed the damage and was quite pleased with himself. The entire lawn was covered with streamers of bathroom tissue.

"Great…now on to Stefan's place!"

They got in the car.

As they were putting the finishing touches on the house were Stefan lived, the front door opened and Stefan stepped out, a shocked expression on his face.

"Quick, into the bushes!" Damon knocked Julian behind the shrubbery, thankful that he had parked his car a block away. 

"Whenever I find out who did this, they're going to pay!" Stefan yelled, slamming the door as he went back into the house.

"'Whenever I find out who did this, they're going to pay,'" Damon mocked. "And what are you going to do, use your super-loser powers on us. What a wimp…he didn't even investigate."

"Yeah," Julian spread his thumb out to make an "L", "Lo-oser!"

"Come on, let's finish this off."

Once more, Julian and Damon squeezed into the phone booth in front of Bob's. 

"Okay…" Julian pulled out 35 cents and dialed Stefan's number. 

"Hello?" 

"Who the hell is this?"

"Tom Locke."

"You better stop harassing me or…"

"Or what?"

"Or I'll kick your ass!"

"Oh yeah? Well here's your chance! I live at 1313 Redwood Lane. Come on over and I'll kick your ass!"

"You better run, asshole! 'Cause when I'm done with you, you won't have an ass!"

Click.

"Okay, Damon, go ahead."

"Okay, okay." He dialed Tom's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Tom…remember me?"

"YOU! WHO IS THIS YOU LITTLE…"

"This is Stefan Salvatore. Now there's no need to be violent. Have you looked out your window lately?"

"No, why…. I'M GOING TO KILL YOU! I can't wait get my hands on you so that I can…"

"Well, you won't have to wait long…I'm on my way over right now! See ya, sugar!"

Click. 

"Quick, let's get over to Tom's!"

When Julian and Damon arrived at Tom's, a brawl was already ensuing. Damon pulled out his cell phone and dialed.

"Hello?"

"Elena? Thank god you're there! I was driving down Redwood Lane when I saw Stefan involved in a fistfight with another guy! You have to get over here immediately! The address is 1313 Redwood Lane."

"Stefan? Fistfight? Ohmigod! I'll be right there!"

Click.

"All yours, Jules."

"Allright." He dialed Jenny.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jenny, this is Brian. Why is Tom fighting some guy in his front yard?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh…thought you knew…Tom is fighting this guy in front of his house."

"I'll drive over right now and see what this is all about!"

Click. 

"Now we just have to hang tight 'til they get here."

When the girls arrived, the fight was still going on. Elena got out of her cab and walked over to the edge of the lawn, staring in horrification as the two boys beat each other into a bloody pulp.

"I never knew he was so violent…" she muttered aloud.

Julian walked over to her.

"Do you know them?" he asked.

"Just the short one. What's this about?"

"Oh, lover's quarrel. Those two gay lovers are always going at it."

He walked back around the house to where Damon was stationed, leaving an openmouthed Elena speechless.

"She's all yours, Salvatore. Go in for the kill."

"Thanks, man." He went to Elena and put his arm around her.

"Hard to stomach, huh."

"Yeah…I had no idea…"

"None of us did…but it's best to move on when situations like these arise."

"Yeah, I think so…say…would you like to get some coffee or something?"

"Sure, just let me do something real quick."

He went off to find Julian. "Is Jenny here yet?"

"Yeah over there," he pointed. 

"Okay…just give me a few."

Damon sauntered over to Jenny's car. 

"Hey, you a client?"

"What?" she asked.

"You know, a client of theirs," he pointed to Stefan and Tom, who were still going at it.

"What are you talking about? What's going on?"

"Oh, well the brown-haired one, he goes by Tiger, is fighting with his pimp. Something about not getting his money or something."

"HE'S A GIGOLO?"

"Um, yeah…and a damn good one too. I speak from experience." Damon winked and went back to Elena. Meanwhile, Julian moved in on Jenny.

"So, hey, how've you been?"

"Julian? Can you believe this?"

"Actually, yes. Knew it from the start…but I didn't want to see you hurt by the knowledge…I couldn't be that cruel."

"Oh, Julian," she hugged him, "you're so sweet and thoughtful…I should have gone with you."

"Well, it's not too late…I still want you to be my Shadow Queen, if you will that is?" he asked hopefully.

"Of course…now let's get away from here. I just can't stand the thought of him as…"

"I know."

And Julian, Jenny, Damon and Elena all lived happily ever after…while Tom and Stefan hooked up and lived out the rest of their lives in an RV and starring in bad porn flicks.

THE END


End file.
